this.sentimental.heart

cloud of magic

2011-02-10T23:08:00.000-08:00

although i find myself in a frequent cloud of heartbreak over the loss of you. i also find myself in the most magical moments of genuine love, smile, and laughter...also caused by you. thank you for both.

i love you, but i'm learning that love isn't wanting.
i'm also learning that our love might be more pure than i ever thought it was.

beneath your love

2011-01-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

beneath the thing that sustains me
stuck here while time keeps changing
behind your ear that used to listen
are two freckles born together
but just a bit apart
we embrace those shapes
inevitably hidden within each others bodies
my walls i gave up
and i want to climb yours
i don't expect so much
just for you to lift me
where you know i belong
but i keep falling beneath the thing
that sustains me
your love

Elements; A Fine Frenzy

2011-01-05T17:15:00.000-08:00

I looooove this song! It's quite brilliant.

Silverspring

2010-12-21T23:21:00.000-08:00

This is one of the most amazing songs to me. Not only that, the video has kind of a Christmas feel so posting it seemed necessary. I haven't been extremely touched by a song in a while, and I enjoy the occurrence. I think it's one of the most incredible pieces. Stacy's vocals are so amazing. Eisley will always be a great band to me, they developed such raw talent at a young age. For me, this is a song that must be played multiple times to grasp it's fullness.

You will never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you. You could be my silverspring, blue green colors flashing.

To be back

2010-12-21T19:25:00.000-08:00

Back in St. George is me. I weighed a lot of things out (being home for Christmas, starting school, job searching, etc.) and decided that coming home a tad bit early from my travels might be a smart idea. So...a bit over two weeks earlier than planned, I am back at home. It's quite an odd feeling. A bit depressing, to be honest. I feel like I don't fit now, even though I did miss home a bit. I was warned about traveler blues. People with the blues return home and have a feeling like 'Where is my home?' Now, my case of traveler blues has multiple aspects involved. Too many. & I am too tired to mention them. I think if I stop talking about it so much, the more likely it will go away and I'll feel more normal again. I'm just trying to cope. It's not going the smoothest though. The only real whole meal I've eaten today is breakfast, and it's already time for bed. How did I manage to not insanely crave or think much about food the whole day? That's not like me.

One wonderful thing has happened since I left though. I realized I really loved Buenos Aires more than I thought I did. I'm excited to return one day when I actually know Spanish. My trip would have been 5x more wonderful if I would have had that. As far as the countryside goes, I've never questioned my love for it. It's breathtaking. I've seen sights that energized my soul. Argentina is a wonderful country.
The moral of the story is, I cannot believe I got the most amazing opportunity to travel for two months in Argentina! I am delighted about my experience and miss it dearly. I had the most lovely time! All I can do is thank God for helping me make it happen, and everyone who helped me while I was there. I've learned that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. Traveling (more than just vacationing) does something to you. It inevitably opens your mind and forces you to learn. I definitely have more recollection ahead of me, I know I'll think about this experience years to come. I'm blessed.
I need to always remember that I'm blessed, even in hard times like these. It's hard to not get caught up in your emotions sometimes and just find the big picture. Growing up is hard. Growing up requires a lot of decision making. Growing up requires a lot of fun having and tear shedding. I've done so much growing in the last year, it feels amazing. But I think there are certain times where we break, and feel like...'God, could you please make this decision for me instead?'
Whoa...what a life we've been given!
I hope to always make the best of it. I hope to stop judging myself and others when it comes to life. We're all friggin' trying, ya know!?!

You want to know what else is trying? The rain. The rain is trying to drown us all. St. George is having another flood year. It's been raining constantly over the past four days. A very persistent and mild sprinkling has turned into a whole lot of water. It sucks in some ways, and my heart goes out to those people and homes that might be suffering because of it. But it's also cool in a way...to see the power of God and His creations kind of take over your city for a while. These are the times you kind of realize how small you are, and that the Earth could swallow you whole if it really wanted to:)

Big sighhhhhs.
With much love and hope.

Some little things

2010-12-15T13:11:00.001-08:00

Little things that have touched my heart in Buenos Aires:

God and Jesus Christ for being with me no matter where I go.

The blind woman singing and playing guitar on the train for change.

The random fireworks that go off outside of my bedroom window lately. Marcus said the guy down the street owns a major firework company and does shows around this time of year.

How everyone collaborated in helping each other jump out of the train when it took an unexpected stop during it´s course. There was an accident...and a lady was ran over on the train tracks. It was truly sad to be on that train.

That my boyfriends futbol team, Independiente, won the championship while I was here. I guess it hasn´t happened in years. I felt like good luck.

The first time I went to church here. It was the kids primary program and them singing in Spanish was irresistable.

Veronica and her sweet and spiritual nature.

Marilyn for caring for me and letting me live in her home.

The dad teaching his tiny boy how to play futbol at such a young age...and the boys little kicks! I´ve seen Dad's playing with their children in the park here A LOT. It's quite precious.

All the sad circumstances I see families making here just to make ends meet.

Soleil, the dog we´ve been sitting. She´s just a bundle of love and joy, really.

And Marcus, my beautiful boy. I wouldn't have survived without him. He put up with a lot from his baby girl. His kisses are healing, his understanding, and his willingness to make me happy. We are able to admit our wrongs with each other. Something about his love, helps me slowly put down my walls. There is a soft part of him that I don't have to dig too hard to find. Although I have loved him imperfectly, I dream that one day I can manifest this perfect love I have for him inside of me. He has made this last year so joyful for me. He's stayed in my heart for 5 years and will probably always be there somewhere. I love you Marki.

Pigeons and Yogis

2010-12-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

I´ve had a very interesting three days. They have been a little rough in some ways but mostly interesting, hilarious, relaxing, and beautiful. It all started Monday morning at about 5:15. Sophie, Marcus´s sister, was screaming. Although I didn´t hear the screams, she told me she was as we recollect the story now. She was astounded that I didn´t wake up from her screams. Anyway, I eventually did wake up from the ruckus and what I found I just wasn´t mature enough for. Lennon, Sophies cat, had caught a pigeon during the night and brought it into the house. This pigeon wasn´t too large, it was almost like a Japanese dove. Lennon had played with the little guy through the hours I suppose and had injured the bird. When I woke up we had him shut away in the bathroom and he was resting on top of the bathroom light. Sophie was in complete distress not knowing what to do because it was injured and suffering. It was functioning. But not flying functioning. I didn´t see it but apparently the leg/side/wing was bitten into. It was a hard moment. We didn´t know what to do. Marcus knew the smartest solution but I tried to talk him out of it for a minute, because like I said, not mature enough for this. Well the end is tragic. Marcus had to get a baseball bat and bag to finish this birds death. I can´t believe how bad it sounds typing that. But we really couldn´t think of any other way. Anyway, I feel for Marcus having to do that. I sure couldn´t wake up, kill a bird, and go back to bed. Phhhheww, sorry for the bad news. Looking back it was kind of a hilarious situation, minus the death. Hours later Marcus and I headed to General Rodriguez to a little getaway called Eco Yoga Park. It´s a little natural retreat place owned and operated by a bunch of Yogis. It was very interesting to see their way of life and it was very beautiful there! They serve you three meals a day, plus a snack. It is all organic vegetarian food from the garden on site. They also served delicious tea and apple juice, which they make. There is a schedule there that you can follow strictly if you´d like, if not, that´s fine too. It´s something like this: 5:00 am meditation/mantras, 8:30 am breakfast, 1:30 pm lunch, 4:00 pm music therapy/mantras, 4:30 yoga, 6:00 snack, 8:30 dinner. It between those things you can take walks, read, whatever. Marcus and I watched a movie after dinner in the little cinema they have. We watched Earth the first night and Oceans the second, it was cute. Most people there are volunteers that are traveling, they pay less to stay there but they work in the garden during the day. But we went as guests instead. It was interesting to participate in the Yogi stuff. It was a little uncomfortable at times, just because it was new to me. But I was trying to be open to the things they were doing, because I know I can learn from many people in life. They really have a high sense of spirituality. Most of the people there have lived there for years, and they are young people! Just living a quiet life. It was a very small, quaint, and natural place, but it was nice. I personally wouldn´t be able to handle the horrible showers, not being able to flush your tiolet paper down the tiolet, not having filtered water, somewhat uncleanliness, etc...but they are such strong people to devote their lives with such discipline. I wonder if they get lonely though, like...want a boyfriend/girlfriend. Who knows, maybe they have one close in town that they sneak off with. They aren´t the only people who does all this, well maybe the yogi stuff. But it is a town full of farmers/gardeners. It´s incredible.
Marcus made the trip great. He pulled some of the funniest things out of his mouth. I can´t wait to share some of the things that have happened with my mom, she will laugh. She loves uncomfortable, awkward, or high anxiety situations.
I love my family. I love God. I love Earth.
For now... Chau!

Events and thoughts

2010-11-20T12:26:00.000-08:00

Well, this is my opinion of Argentina so far.
Excuse me for comparing it to the U.S., I just can´t help it.
Argentina is very different from home. We all know that the United States is a very blessed country but I don´t think you can really believe it until you leave the country. The U.S. is more organized and we are much more protected by the government. As much as we hate the law sometimes, it really does keep things in line. The little things really do make big difference when trying to control a country I guess. Buenos Aires is a huge huge huge city. I am always turned around here, but then again, I´m turned around in Salt Lake. Anyway! The city never ends. It never really stops either, unless a huge futbol match on is television (or so I hear). There are so many people and it is pretty dirty. I can handle the trash alright but I don´like dog poop that isnt taken care of. The food is very good but there is less variety, mostly in super markets. It only makes sense for the country to keep around the types of foods that are apart of the culture and that obviously people like! So that´s probably a silly thing for me to say. The candy and junk food kind of sucks, I´ll be honest. Ice cream is great though, OH and the bread. The culture here is alive! I´ve been to some great art museums and photography exhibitions. I finally feel like I truly participated in a real art experience. There are very beautiful and old buildings here as well. But Buenos Aires is kind of a free for all. People take as much as they can get. People do a lot for money here because a lot of people are struggling. There are some sweet perks about life here though, just kind of the little things like.... People don´t expect much tips here. The gas station man ALWAYS pumps your car for you, you don´t really have a choice, it´s their job (you might through him a tiny tip though). While parking on the street, men will clean up your car on the outside a bit, just for a little tip. You can j walk, if you really want to, but I don´t recommend it. Speed limits aren´t largley enforced here and neither are a lot of traffic laws. So driving is kind of like a Mario Kart, FUN! They deliver everything here...even like...movies and ice cream! No delivery charges either! I´m sure there is more. Anyway, I´ve seen some very sad sights but I´ve also seen some sweet ones. Driving through the open country was so incredible. I felt the raw passion of Argentine cowboys (gaucho´s they call them) at sunset, riding through the open fields like time doesn´t exist, with smiles on their faces and friendly waves. Life felt so delicate then. It felt like time was slowed for just that second. A man, his horse, and the sweet Argentine air. It was truly magnificent. Driving through the country really made me catch my breath. And obviously, Iguazu topped off the magnificance.
I´m trying to learn to love the good and the bad just the same, so I don´t live in a judgemental state. I think I´m getting better at it. I went to a nice dance class yesterday called 5 rythmns, it was super hippie. I also met a sweet girl named Veronica who IS a super hippie the night before. She is Marcus´s mom´s boyfriend´s daughter, (wow that is ridiculous when you type it), and I think we are going to go visit her soon. She will help me learn to meditate. She has spent time in a Buddhist monistary and done a lot of soul searching, wild dolphin swimming, traveling, etc. She´s very spiritual, it´s totally her life. I guess I´ve been judgemental of Argentina because of how much I realize I love home now. St. George is so easy...in every way.
But my mind is opening to the universe......NOW!
Love to my missed ones...

writers block

2010-11-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

I have a disease right now. It´s called writers block. I really want to learn how to master it. There has got to be a way. Maybe just writing, writing anything, might help. Like a blocked energy field...the more you push through it, it flows? Anyway, here I go..

Marcus and I set out for Iguazu Falls last Wednesday. A friend of his reccommended that we make a detour stop in a place called Colonia Carlos Pelligrini, because he had taken the trip to Iguazu earlier this year as well. We took his advice and we´re glad we did! This place was a no man´s land. I mean, yes, there were people there. But I was so astounded by the lives people live there. It´s so raw. There are dirt roads and little houses, it´s quite bare. When I thought about the big map of the world and imagined my little dot on it, in this random place, it made me wonder how people live here. Like what they do, what they think about, what they are aspiring to, how they got there. I guess that´s probably a little silly...we´re all really kind of the same. Just because they live in a place that is about 120 kilometers on a dirt road to get into any type of real civilization, doesn´t mean they are much different from me I guess. But it´s just crazy to think where some people grow up. Okay, long tangent...the point is, we had a lovely time there. Very relaxing.
We stayed in a room connected to this sweet sweet woman´s home. Her name was Martina. She had cows just roaming her front yard, one was particularly friendly. (Like would walk into our room if we let him, and lick Marcus´s back friendly). There were actually two rooms, we stayed in one the first night, which had the most horrible bed and a great shower. We decided to switch the second night to the room with a better bed and plastic hose for a shower (personally, I´d rather have a better shower). As much as I am in love with sleep.
In Carlos Pelligrini we also walked through a little jungle and saw monkeys and butterflies. It had a great tranquil jungle vibe. We also went on a boat ride through the lagoon. Seeing crocodiles (they really are a different species of crocodile but I forget the name and spelling), carpinchos, birds, etc. It was beautiful, relaxing, and exciting. I asked the boat driver to go closer to one of the crocodiles, and she REALLY listened. She went like 3 feet away and was inching in closer until the crocodile unleashed his still stare, flung his tail and hissed, and swam off. HAHAHA Oh the sheer joy of that moment.
We arrived to Iguazu Friday evening. We got a hostel that was very nice. It was somewhat of a party hostel, but I didn´t mind because I´m getting used to that sort of thing being outside of Utah now. It´s a good lesson, learning to accepts others habits. The hostel had great breakfast, free internet, a pool, ping pong and pool, and a great shower. So it was all worth it.

As far as the falls go, it was INCREDIBLE. I know in my heart how incredible it was, but when your there it´s so different. It´s like I couldn´t get myself to react how I really truly felt that I wanted to or how I should react. It´s almost a state of unbelief. Really, I should have been like the man with the double rainbow youtube video, it was that pretty. We are so small. These beautiful creations here weren´t just an accident of a big bang or something. These things are handcrafted by power and infinite beauty, which is God. I´m grateful I saw this. I want to wake up everyday more grateful for the things I see everyday here. Beauty and ugly.
After two days of Iguazu, laying out at our pool, reading, etc...we drove and drove for hours, hoping to make it to Buenos Aires in one day. Once 9 pm rolled around it was just impossible. Marcus was loosing his mind and couldn´t drive any longer..haha and I don´t drive stick or feel comfortable driving in this foreign land. So we stopped at a creepy creepy town called Chajari, in a little ´parilla´or ´grill´with a lot of people inside. The place was called El Parador. Oh my, this was like Denny´s devil spawn. The people inside were perfectly normal people, but something was just weird about it, I can´t describe it. The bathroom was the scariest bathroom I´ve ever entered. The dogs chillin in front of the joint were extremely troubled looking. The food was a little less than okay. There was like three random people that came up to Marcus and I and questioned us, ´Now what are you eating?´..´I didn´t know they had raviolis´...´My milanesa was undercooked!´ Hahaha, I didn´t get to hear it really, because it was in Spanish but when Marcus told me, we laughed together about it. I think Latin America is just hard to explain sometimes. After eating, we rented a night at this creepy hotel. I was sort of paranoid at that point, because of being in that restaurant and being out of my clean comfort zone. Perhaps I made out the experience in this hotel to be a little more creepy than it really was, but whatever. The guy smoking in the lounge area with his shirt off saying a soft ´Hola´didn´t really help. Moral of story, there are people in every freakin crevice in this earth, living in the most different situations. It´s incredible, weird, sad, cool, all at the same time.
But this creepy night in Chajari, was basically all made up for in Gualeguaychu, where we stopped at a some what ghetto looking place for lunch. But in Argentina, you can´t really judge something from the outside here. We were pleasantly surprised coming in to a fairly clean and definitely friendly and quiet atmosphere. The food was great, I had a salad and chicken milanesa. Marcus had spaghetti. We even got dessert, I had some flan with dulce de leche on top, and Marcus had his regular coffee. The guy was awesome. I was so grateful for having a clean, yummy, and loving atmosphere that I tipped him 10 pesos. haha, which is a lot here. That´s like less than 5 dollars in the states though. Our meal was the same price as the night before...except we actually had more food and better food! I hope we made that struggling guy happy that day.
We arrived in Buenos Aires a few hours after our delightful lunch and are just settling in today. I´m glad to be back here. I feel more at home than when we left. Anyway, I know this update is a little scattered and disinteresting. Hence, writers block. But I just wanted to update.
MUAH

The first post here

2010-10-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

So I guess it´s the time. The time for me to be inspiring and tell YOU (whoever you are) about my stay here in Argentina up to this point. As much as I would like to say...ahhh each day and night I wander the dirty streets of Buenos Aires, throwing the beggers coins, having an eye for adventure, and a camera in hand. I then find myself in a hostel with old wooden floors, beautiful cracked paint walls, and stay tucked away all night in a state of meditation to awake to a new me...oh and Spanish only took me one day to learn!...But I won´t, because that´s quite far from what´s happening. All those lovely rough details seem wonderful, but perhaps in a different location or time in this young girls life. Once I actually arrived in Buenos Aires, reality hit me, and I knew my plans and expectations were going to be shifting a bit. What´s really happened though is I´ve actually just become Princess of Buenos Aires. Marcus would say I´m entitled to this position just for being so cute. But often I wake up and wonder, ´How did I obtain the throne?´
It´s been a week now and here are some events that have been happening...in my long tangent version. I´ve been sleeping in late. Marcus says he has a theory that no matter where you come from or what time you normally get up, your destined to sleep in, in Argentina. On top of this theory, I have my own. And it´s called...time isn´t real. My time zone is messed with enough already by being here but then replacing it with the concept of military time is just unacceptable. Being jobless helps my theory out a bit too. Moving right along...I get close to probably 400 kisses a day from the best looking man I know. I get breakfast in bed..and if it´s not in bed, it´s pretty dang close. Most mornings the menu consisted of freshly squeezed orange juice, banana or melon smoothies, toast with a creamy Argentine cheese, and tea as well..if I prefer. Marcus and I go walking a lot. He has taken me to multiple places in town, he´s a great tour guide. A lot of the places we´ve went I don´t know the names of being they are Spanish.
We rode bikes to the Rio de la Plata coastline yesterday, and we´ve visited the coolest cemetary I´ve ever seen before. I will describe it´s unique creepiness later. I´ve seen a lot of other cites through the car window driving through town that we will eventually visit. But we are taking our sweet time enjoying each other and long walks. Aside from my lovely breakfast, walks, and cite seeing. I´ve been eating the most delightful food. Just a tad more classy than the U.S. in that department. Although, today was the day I started to miss food at home again. COUGH Durangos COUGH. My meals have been wonderful, but the end of my meals are a delight...because that usually means ice cream. The last two nights after dinner we have ordered ice cream (yes, they deliver ice cream..and movies!). I joyfully eat my Dulce de Leche (a common flavor here) ice cream without guilt...somehow it seems different here. Like its classier and healthier. Like it´s a part of the culture here...so that means my body needs it when I´m here...right?
I´m getting so sleepy and progressively less creative as time passes tonight...but my plans here the next couple weeks are to really hit the Spanish books and slowly crawl out of my shell...I´m more shy in a world where everything is unfamiliar. Marcus and I will also be planning our trips...to Iguazu Falls, Uraguay, and if we have time North or South Argentina. I might also call up Emma Winters to meet for dinner soon and check out her house. She´s my 68 year old friend that I met on my last connection to Argentina. She is wonderful and gave me her number in case I needed her.
Well anyway, I truly am being loved and taken care of by amazingly sweet people. ´This is your home too,´they tell me. It almost doesn´t feel like a vacation when I have such a safe haven here. But I thank them and God for my safety and all the love in this world. Marcus is more loving than I had even dreamed. He likes to make me happy. I guess thats the secret to life is finding your happy. Everyone´s is different, but I believe they all stem from the same place. I think thats what love is. Wanting real happiness for someone. Afterall, isn´t that all that God wants for us..real happiness?
Un beso
Chau

AAHHH.

2010-09-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

AHH, I REPEAT. My spirits are so up right now! I woke up from a nap filled with excitement and love. I love inspiring moments, I thrive on them. When I don't have them, I'm half dead and somewhat depressed. I'm just excited and grateful for life and the things that are ahead of me. Also for love, because no other thing on this earth heals hearts, because I am in love, and because my niece and sister are on their way here (and oh how I love them)! I'm also grateful for good quotes that inspire. For yoga that heals, haha even when I'm not even close to a yogi. I'm grateful for Gods natural amazing earth. It's so perfectly intended. It's so perfectly working. If we all just listened to Him, followed the natural pull his earth has for us towards happiness, well being, and eternal life....we would flow so effortlessly through life with acceptance and love. Ah, like a river. Thank you for this gift called life, God.

I'm really debating on when I should start my travel journal entries, I guess I should call it my story because surely it's more than "I went here today." It needs to start sometime before I go. I'm hoping I'll get a moment when I just know.

LOVE TO ALL,
The only activity I can think of that would match my frequency is to go ride a horse with the song "Cosmic love" by Florence and the Machine blasting as my soundtrack. But since I don't own a trusty stead, I'm going to jog and make all the other stuff happen!

For now<3

Time

2010-09-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

Often, I ask people questions about their relationships, what they learn from them, and what they think is most important about relationships. I haven't stopped doing this, but I find it interesting that lately I've been getting random, unasked for (at least not verbally asked for) advice about love and marriage. How to cultivate it, care for it, good tips, bad things to do, things to wait for. I feel like I'm being prepared, I love it. Especially when it's from a Persian doctor with a nice spirit. I love people that aren't afraid to show their passions and emotions. I love people that want to communicate and connect. The Lord has the greatest time table, he prepares us for things in just the right way. I've been noticing the little details of life that build on top of each other and how they ultimately take us on the journey we feel like we're taking too long to get to. I hope I can continue to be blessed with people in my life that teach me very important lessons in such a sweet way. That's one joy I have when thinking of traveling- is who I will meet! I can't wait.
Anyway, 35 days. Miss you Marcus.

For now<3

God, Love, Live.

2010-09-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been trying to truly realize the worth of each soul. Through mostly reading and pondering, I've learned that accepting each other is the most important thing in life. In other words, loving each other. Heavenly Father has a plan for His earth. Each of us contribute to His earth and to each other. When we reject others, we are rejecting His plan and will and we draw further away from the oneness with Him. When we get rid of our judgments, so much to the point that they almost don't even register, we become completely encompassed by unconditional acceptance. After that, I think we will realize how infinite His plan really is. We've learned, in my religion, to judge righteously, but I don't think most of us really know how to do this the correct way. Really, we should just try to get rid of all judgment. Know what brings unhappiness, but don't ignore and hate. Oh my book explained this so well. Mostly, it boiled down to this; once we stop judging others, God will stop judging us. It even went to the extent to say that the time of our judgment and outcome of our judgment is in our hands. I'm still trying to figure it out, but all I know is...it feels right.
Last night in bed I was thinking about if I were to just perfect the art of love. If I were to learn to love like crazy, unconditionally, and completely. With just that, would I be with God? I think so. Even if I sinned and fell very short. I can't imagine being rejected by my Heavenly Father. After all, the two greatest commandments are to love God and others. And when your loving others, your loving God.
Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with my own minds conclusions, because I feel inadequate and unsure of myself. But I'm tired of that. I realize that when I have a thought like this, if it feels good inside then it IS good. So instead of fearing temptation, imperfection, and sins (which I will still try to steer clear from), I will live in security knowing that I can simply love others and make God and His Son as happy as they could ever be.

Ps. I also keep thinking about my trip and how depressing it will be to return back to St. George. Living with my parents, same old thing for the last 20 years. The only reason why I'd be returning is so I could find another simple job to earn money to move away somewhere else. So I guess the verdict is...if I like Buenos Aires, I'll most likely stay and live there. After all, I can make money anywhere. Besides, I'll be closer to Costa Rica (my next destination!).

<3 For now.

God's Grasp

2010-08-30T15:08:00.001-07:00

God is so tightly weaved inside
the fibers of this universe
so collide- into him.
We can't escape from His grace, love, and power
He's there hour upon hour
so slip into His grasp.
Though minds wonder and eyes wander
I would give my eyes to Thee
to feel as He would have me feel
to see as He would have me see
For our hearts beating within
are guiding us naturally to Him.
But if we fail to recognize
The pull towards light
Or to look through our hearts
To Him in the skies
Might we fall
Or might we fail
Fall into God's grasp and prevail.

Argentina

2010-08-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

The cats out of the bag...
I've been feeling as though I am a puffer fish- cheeks full of word vomit about to spew everyday. Half because of my joy and half because I hate keeping secrets.
I told my work about my trip!
So now I officially tell my blog, (as if it didn't know already).
I get to leave, spread my wings, marvel my life away.
Starting October 20th.
Too bad I'm arriving two days later, due to a horrible/cheap flight.
I will be gone for 2 1/2 months.
I'm spending the holidays there.
I want something different, something new, something to learn from.
Being in a different culture for the holidays will be really interesting.
I can't wait to attend my church there, what an awesome experience!
I'm hoping to do some humanitarian work for Christmas.
I'm also planning on getting a job teaching English perhaps.
But the best part is I get to see my muse
You know, that guy I've been talking about in nearly every blog post?
My sweet Marcus...
We're going to have an amazing time together.
I get to spend Halloween, Thanksgiving (not an Argy holiday), Christmas, my birthday, and New Years with him.
We're going to go to one of the world's greatest wonders, Iguazu falls.
Hahaha this post is so all over the place and I'm blaming it on my many emotions and excitement involved.
This trip was inspired by a lot of things, but mostly my love for Marcus and by Elizabeth Gilbert....who both teach me how to dream.
But I have to thank my God. and Jesus. For making everything I desire possible. And for being with me where ever I go, in my heart, and in prayer. I hope to always remember to keep them there.

Weekend War

2010-08-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend just might be a reading weekend.
Oh! I might even throw a yard sale in there.

I'm a little bummed about the reading subject though.
I don't know if I'll ever find a book that I love more than Eat Pray Love.
But I'm trying to dig myself out of the Eat Pray Love trench that has been dug for me. I'm like a wounded soldier, trying to climb out but keep slipping back in! When I find another book I think, "Oh look, another trench...and then, but...Remember that one trench?"
I'm so stoked for the movie, just to see how it will be portrayed.
Although, I'll probably be let down.

I am getting somewhat lonely lately.
I need to rely more on God and His son.
Sometimes I just want to cuddle with someone.
Most times it ends up being my mom.
But I want something real.
Someone like my Marcus.
I miss that man.

I'm so celibate it's disgusting.

wild for you

2010-08-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

sell my clothes
and stuff a suitcase
with nothing but love
all because
i'm wild for you
told me to leave, let it be
told me you'd love me
because secretly, you know thats all i need

Up & Downs

2010-07-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

School is over.
Phew.
Many goals are on my plate, but they are all fun.
It's my personal progression transitional stage
And I feel like I need a hug
But from the right person. (Who's that?)

Life is so delicate
One day, things feel magnificent
and the next day...changes.
Sometimes it's like being on a roller coaster,
It's more mild..but I feel almost just as woozy.

Maybe that's the art all of us have to master...
Loving each day, no matter what happens
That way, our attitude isn't altered by the mis-haps
I have some ideas that might help...
Any suggestions, ghost listener?

One thing that is for sure...
I'm learning to love the Spanish language.
<3 For now

Rejoice to the Journey

2010-07-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

All I've been doing today is stewing and studying. Stewing (with a mad hint of love) for Marcus. I'm worried about him, I haven't seen him online the past couple of days. He has a life, of course..but what if he got hit by a bus and is hurt? What a love, he is.
I'm also stewing about my college class and how badly I want it to end (16 more days). And then studying for the beastly thing. The class isn't what I hate, I just hate homework. I'm a lazy student who dislikes routine, and I don't have the patience for it right now. My mind and body have never been more ready for personal creation, exploration, and progression. I'm too busy to do the things I love. I'm putting projects away in my mind and hope that when I have the time to get to them, they haven't run off! After this summer semester is over I plan to: read great books, acquire and listen to more music, save money, meditate often, explore tea's and herbs, exercise everyday, sew, paint, create, play piano more, start my book, take pictures, travel, and kiss Marcus.
The list goes on.... I'm overly excited, but I feel hindered by current obligations. Sigh, for a while. Then smile.

Poem (revision is likely)

2010-06-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

I'm just a girl from a small town bubble
With a mind that explores enough
Rolling down hills made of us
I am stained
Out of all the things I don't do well
I'm so good at missing you
You're a boy from the city
A place you say has everything
Including the worst of things
Your hip bones protrude
Your voice is faint
Oh your love is so sweet
Gentle I call you
From two different worlds we meet
Gravity can't help but pull us closer
I'm within your grasp
Hold tighter
Maybe, one day, I'll take you here
In the meanwhile, I'm so good at missing you

Me vs. Body

2010-06-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well, its official, I've come from death and back.
No its not the deer that almost put me into the hospital, although that sounds entirely better to be honest. Ah Doc, the deer got me...(in a painful voice). Sounds awesome right? Oh, I guess I might as well tell that story so you get it. I was driving with my windows down, (right in the same spot where I saved the king snake the other night) and suddenly I hear some clacking outside by me. I look over and a freaking deer is running for its life neck and neck with my car, right by my window! I truly felt what it was like to be Santa Clause for a moment. It was almost going to merge into me, but then I sped up or it slowed down (it was a little chaotic, i don't remember exactly), but then it went behind me. I guess some people were trying to chase it to the mountains or something, goodness, leave it alone people! This deer doesn't know your looking out for it when your on a bike chasing it down. Anyhow, cool story huh? Okay now for the gay story.
The only time it's ever happened before was a few years ago. It's a "girl" thing. And considering my girls are my only listeners here, I'll go ahead. A period. It's a God given thing, that I've come to appreciate as a natural body function, and I don't entirely hate it so much until THIS happens. And THIS happened today. Horrible, disabling, paralyzing, cramps that cause so much pain I'm rolling there praying that the pain will go away. My whole body went numb and tightened, I felt like I was going to vomit from pain. At least my vision wasn't blacking out like it did a few years ago. Anyways, I did realize something while in the moment...that Christ suffering through all the physical and emotional pains of everyone, is the most awful thing I could ever even imagine. It's never really been made manifest to me so clearly. So that's a good thing...the other thing I realized was that as much as I want to have a natural child birth, when the time comes, I'm not sure I will. In this moment of cramp desperation, I did tell myself "I'm getting an epidural." So we'll see how that all works out. Now you could say all this period pain has come along with the ten pounds I've gained recently (swear words!!$#$%$), because cramps are worse when your in worse shape. But I doubt that is the case, I exercise more than I ever have lately, plus I think I already dropped three of those pounds. My mom claims my body is just changing and I'm starting to become more womanly. Note to body: I'll take the hips please, but that's about it. The only good thing about my ten extra pounds is that my bum becomes just how I like it, a rookie black girl bottom! Voluptuous bums are the greatest body part ever. I love bums. In fact, I just recently heard of a movie just all about bums, hahaha and I totally want to see it. But, of course, I am working to get back to my normal weight, and that bum will slightly slim down, what a sad day. The other good thing about my weight is I made up a title to a broadway song the other day, something like "It'll stretch and I'll shrink", sung in the cheesiest broadway voice ever, like some fat girl in a little sweater song. It was way better in the moment. Mostly a joke, because I hate cheesy broadway songs. Anyhow, this is a simple story of me vs. my body.

Letter to Heaven

2010-06-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
I wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for love in this world. It is that indescribable feeling of love that moves us all, and I hope to master the art. Although I have many moments of imperfection, and don't love quite to the extent that I should, I hope you know I try. Thank you for your ultimate gift of love, the Atonement of your son Jesus Christ. Because of this, I hope to always express to my family and those around me the love that I have for them, in word and deed. I'm just a little girl in this world. I'm not very smart. I'm a little silly (you know this). And there's so much around me that I don't know, but your helping me learn. I'm sorry I don't come to you as often as I should in sincerity. I heard just the other day that if you believe in love, then you believe in God. I believe in that statement. No matter who we are in this world, we all seek love. It is the one and only thing that perhaps we all have in common, and the feeling we all yearn for. Love, in its purest sense, is one of the greatest things on earth. Something so perfect, could only be created by you. It lights up everything, just like you. So if I ever doubt my faith or feel alone, hopefully I remember that one feeling I can never deny that is directly linked to you, love.
Goodnight Father.

Vegas

2010-05-31T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have recently acquired a taste for Vegas. Well, not Vegas personally, but going to Vegas. My new friend Trevin has life made here, and he enjoys making my life by taking me here. His job takes him back and forth from St. George, Kanab, and sin city weekly. He has a personal residential suite in the Marriott. It's like a little apartment, and I get my own half of the house! Trevin is one of my best friends, except he doesn't know it yet. He said last night that we've only hung out 4 times. I laughed and said, guys forget that stuff. He said, they really do. And yes, this was before he told me his freaky skin walker experiences. I won't even go there. Anyways, Trevin works for The Grand Canyon River Expeditions (guess I should mention that). Life is free when I come here, literally free. And the best kind of free, involving the soul. The best free thing when I come here though is the breakfast. Trevin is sick of it, but I adore it. Yuuummmm...I just finished a bowl of eggs and potato wedges with salsa and green onions on top, and a side of sausage. Then a banana for dessert. I have a cup of tea that I'm waiting to cool down. I actually might decide to rub the tea bag on my horrendous sunburn that I got Saturday. Trevin and I had to joke about tea bagging after I made the comment. He had to remind me of what it was, I forgot. After all, I don't think about balls very often. Its a beautiful morning though, I never ever get up this early. Even though its one hour ahead here, I'm still pretending that I'm a really cool morning dove. My tea is giving me a minty aroma here on the coach bus. We have a friendly black bus driver named Charlie. Trevin and him are buddies, for he does this weekly. We're on our way to pick up a group who just got done with the week long river trip. We are just now approaching the Hoover Dam, and Rihanna is singing 'wait is over'. This is a new song to my ears, and as much as I shouldn't like Rihanna, and in my heart I really don't...I still kinda do? In my dancey mind I do. Oh! Look, she's on again. She has been gifted with a sexy yet scratchy voice that I wouldn't mind having.
The Hoover Dam is like the vagina of Nevada. It has become so intricate. So many details in this place now. The dam wall is huge and amazing! The arch above it all is indescribable. It is construction on a big scale, at its finest. Pretty fascinating. All of which describes a girls reproductive system yes? The Hoover Dam also happens to be a place that Harry Potter and friends wishes they could play quidditch, guaranteed. We're crawling out of the crevice now, and I have heard Rihanna for the fourth time in a row. I think Charlie might just have a crush on her and slipped her cd in. My tea is yummy (now that I can drink it). I'm glad I was able to find a caffeine free mint tea, cause the mint tea at home contains black tea, and I don't drink caffeinated tea anymore. Oh but how I miss my teas....
Trevin is reading his end of the world book again. One Second After its called. He loves it, I guess its about all the computer systems crashing down from an electromagnetic pulse dropped on the earth. And its about a man trying to save his family. I still can't decide how I feel about novels. I've recently started to pick up reading...I know, shoot me for waiting so long. I've read a self help book recently, and I'm still reading Eat Pray Love. There has got to be a novel out there that I love. Marcus told me to try A Brave New World, I probably will. I have hopes that I will open the first page and Marcus will just walk out of the book...you know? Like the reading rainbow in first grade library time? Except this might be rated PG13, rather than G (is there a rating before G?). Anyway, we'd probably make out if he does show up. Then I'd probably never shut the book because the reading rainbow has to suck the characters back in when the book is done. Here I am, rambling on about my dream again. Get a hold of yourself! My favorite Rihanna song is on now. Its super nasty and sexual, but somehow I like it. Its something I'm embarrassed about. I like to sing it (cause I can't not sing to anything), but when I do, I feel slutty so I try to refrain. I'll probably start reading here in a second, but most likely drift to sleep as I do so. Ahh sleep. I wish I went to the dream land that the young girl in The Lovely Bones goes to when she dies. It's the dreamiest land ever. Of course, my dreams could very well be interrupted by a boy jumping up and down with both legs on each side of me yelling "Kierstie!", like Trevin did on my hotel bed this morning.

Its been a few hours. I've done a whole lot of nothing on this bus ride. Driving through a secluded desert doesn't give you much to ponder about. But I did read some, and slept. But I have good news. I had a fantasy dream. You know..like something on The Lovely Bones? It was so fleeting though...I woke up too quickly. Half of the reason why I woke up was because my legs felt as though they were going to be severed off (I was sleeping flopped straight faced forward laying on a pillow). I felt a glimpse of life as a legless person. So the fact that I didn't want stubs, or a major 'legs asleep' attack, and the fact that I just don't get everything I want...I woke up from my wondrous video clip of a dream. I was riding on a bus (interesting huh?) and we were driving past this lake/river that was on the edge of a high mountain. Descending down a road on the mountain I looked out the window, telling the person I was with "LOOK!"..there was river dolphins. but oh they were so much more. They were frolicking around, feeding, and playing. The creature was a mixture of a dolphin, bird, and dog. Picture a west highland terrier head, slowly fading into a dolphin body. They kind of changed forms a little (you know how dreams are). "It" could fly though! Or maybe it was just an extreme jumper. Like a flying fish? The body of water was quite clear and full of greenery. Except I was still human within all of this, just experiencing a non human thing, which totally sucks. Okay Okay, I'll admit to you the stupidest detail about my minds creature. I'm pretty sure my dolgbird was wearing a pink handkerchief or bow around its neck. I blame it on work though, seeing dogs everyday leave with that cute stuff on, and also making that stuff for them. Some other funny things happened since I wrote last. There was a man in a horse head costume, oh yes it was legitimate too. And a photographer was taking pictures of him in this desert town. To be more particular "the armpit of Nevada", as Trevin calls it. Little does Trevin know we are both calling landmarks in Nevada by body parts. I asked him why he called it the armpit, I said "cause its a big hole of nothing, and its hairy?" he said, "yes, and kinda dirty and stinky". Trevin is still reading his book. Its probably the end of the world by now. He recently took up "the hunter gatherer" diet. (because he secretly thinks there will be a power serge to the earth, like his book says). He doesn't know that I've concluded this diet-book relation, but he should probably expect me to catch on- for he talks about this book with passion! He is on page 276, and his book ends on page 350. Which means I only have 74 more pages of time before the world possibly ends. I better go. Know that I love you though...you know, if it does end. <3

Love & Lawn

2010-05-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

Will I see him again? His authentic, musky smell is smudged onto my memory. I could dance in his essence for days. His words move me, for we can't exchange them often enough. Can we just be birds, love? Could we break our flocks tradition and meet no matter what season it is? I miss you.
Speaking of birds...
The humming bird babies in my backyard died. I buried them after keeping them for a day or so. Marcus said it was creepy, he was probably right.
Me and my backyard are becoming closer friends.
I've recently taken up the job of 'lawn maintenance' woman.
I find myself mowing the lawn in the most inconvenient clothing. Should I mention that I don't mean a bikini? Unconventional is me. Sure, mow the lawn in your sun dress and old tattered comfy boots, the lawn mower doesn't mind...but the neighbor might ponder. Wait a second, why hasn't anyone made up a new name for a lawn mower? That's super original. I feel like that's like me calling a toaster and bread browner. A lot of gadgets have unimaginative names, now that I think about it. I'm convinced its just the English language that ruined it all. Anyhow, I like mowing the lawn. It's kind of artistic. I often have completely erratic patterns, and I'd like to say there is a method to my madness...but there's not. It's just a nice zone out chore. The only downside to this whole thing is that I've actually acquired an opinion about trimmers. If all trimmers are like mine, then the world is in need of a new inventor.
Today I realized I'm going to write a book one day. Cool huh?

For now<3

Priceless Inspiration.

2010-05-18T23:56:00.000-07:00

A mild day. Better than yesterday.
There was a man jogging this morning, picking up trash along the way. You have to applaud inside when seeing that sight as you begin your day. It sends such a silent message to your soul, there's almost no way you can ignore that raw human effort.
I saw an owl land on top of a telephone pole this evening. If only I could be Harry Potter and receive my mail by owl. I would be way too excited for my blasted bank statements.
I went to the a thrift store today, and got a yummy striped red and white, over-sized, cropped tank. It's worn out and comfy. It's almost like towel material, and it's all I want to wear for the next year. It was 25 cents.
I love all these simple things that inspire. Oh and there's more.
A text message inspired me also.
It read, "I love sushi with a deep, fiery passion."
Have you ever read something that just sparked a split second madness in you? I wasn't expecting it at this moment, and I rarely would expect it when involved with food. Not that food isn't a passion of mine (it's pretty much the love of my life). But goodness... I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it's the chapter that I'm reading in my book right now- where a world traveler is spending time in Italy completely engulfed in food, passion, and the language. This sentence dug into my creativity. This sentence is perfectly and concretely formed. I love the word usage. It knows what it wants, it's creative, and it's passionate. This is a sentence you read and suddenly you want to kiss someone.
Yeah, I know what your thinking. Its weird that I just went off about a sentence like it was my boyfriend. You wouldn't understand fully unless you received the message, or unless you were me. Probably safer with the 'me' option.
So of course, we had to go to sushi. I got a fun chat out of it, and I am slightly more sushi educated. I tried a little slab of octopus. I'm glad the octopus doesn't have a shell like the shrimp. It brings me back to a couple Sundays ago when I was inspecting a shrimp corpse. Cute little guys. Shrimp are like little paddle boats. They have a little rutter, with sweet expanding fins, and an amazing protective shell! I could just picture Mr. Shrimp directing plankton ocean traffic, with it's swift breaking abilities.
And to top it off. The moon tonight looks exactly like the moon that you'd draw in grade school. A perfect crescent. It has soft edges. It is the exact moon you want to put a night cap on and sleeping eyes. This is also the moon you want to straddle and fish off of into the night sky. We've all drawn it before right?

In between all of this, I keep getting flashes of the first time I will see him again. I imagine a crowded club in his hometown. Music playing, people talking, so much going on around me. I'm slightly within myself, looking around at all the unfamiliar sights. Until the one familiar sight I'll ever see there, is in front of my eyes. He's across the room, but he sees me too. We sit there for a breath of air, gazing at what we've both been missing. The sound goes in and out as we walk towards each other, weaving in and out of people. With each step your breath becomes heavy until it stops. Everything inside of me climbs out of my skin at this moment. Because he's there in front of you. You touch his face and say it's been too long.

I know that love isn't always perfect, but to me, love will always be this way. Breathtaking and all..

An afternoon.

2010-05-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

Television, hush.
I turn you off everyday because my dad doesn't.
Birds, keep singing.
I'd live with you if I could.
Do you ever just want to turn the volume down and connect with yourself?
The sound of peace just rubs me the right way.
An afternoon off work early and I'm left recollecting on my free weekend to get 'life' squared away.
The past couple of days have been a bit uneasy. A bit indescribable. But it's like the times when you feel the weight of something small is more prone to set you off than something big. What's funny is the cure for it is often lighter than you thought as well. Like a good read outside on your porch, a prayer in your heart, or something that connects you back with your own spirit. My ideal healing is all of those things, and maybe some pretty butterflies around me.

It's amazing what nature does to me. It anchors us with the most gentle tug. I read a quote by John Burroughs that I like: "I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order."
I often dream of the day when I will be sitting by a tree in some tropical village, with the ocean in view, just breathing in the earth. I imagine little foreign children playing tag together, and how much fun I will have just watching them interact. I will learn so much from those I meet and the sights I see. I will hopefully have a camera in my hands and be able to capture these wondrous moments, but if not, I'll have to play it John Mayor style and say,

"Didn't have a camera by my side this time, hoping I would see the world through both my eyes. Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in a mood to lose my way with words."

It's weird how fast we seem to forget the things that make us whole. Most of us get so caught up in the day to day things, that we forget those eternal things. The things that stay with us everyday within our hearts & minds. The things we take with us no matter what is taken from us. One of my worse fears ever, is looking back at my life when I'm on my last leaf and wishing I lived my life differently. In the book I'm finishing today, it tells about a man named Dr. Bell, who did a study on 4,000 elderly. He asked them if they could live their life over again, what would they do differently? The number one answer was, I should have taken charge of my life and set my goals earlier. Life isn't practice, its the real thing.

I guess this post doesn't really have a main focus,
(not a surprise, its me)
It's just the quiet moments that I wanted to pay tribute to today. I realized how much I need these moments last night.
Life is everything and anything you want it to be.
And I'm adding something to my list everyday.
So what do you want your life to be?

Tranquil

2010-05-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

Touille is sitting in my lap. We are enjoying the sunny outdoors (through the window). The birds are becoming less shy. They have been hauling out handfuls of pet hair clippings from the grass quicker than before. Until the sprinklers come on, then they wait around for the hair to dry. Oh their little humble abodes! I wonder where they all live and how many babies are nestled up. Some have even got smart enough to realize that there is a feeder above their heads, others just pick it off the ground.

Just a tranquil day.
It seems I had a barrage of things to write about last week.
But this week is more calm.
Hopefully I'll get my writing fix sooner than later.

Something coincidental did happen today though. I was in Kohls last night looking for a present. I saw this lady shopping, just holding her dog, he was a little rat looking yorkie. A lady comes into my work today to get her dogs eyes cleaned up and I said I saw a lady in Kohls last night that had a dog that looks just like your dog. She said, I was in Kohls last night. Ha!

I'll end today with randomness and say:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else...means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight." - E.E. Cummings

and.....

My best friend's fiance had a dream that when they were getting ready to make love on their honeymoon night, for the first time, I interrupted. Classic!

'Til Summer Comes Around

2010-05-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

I like a very select few country songs. Keith Urban owns a couple of them. Every time this song is played it provokes a lot of emotion in me. I love poignant music. Therefore, this is one of my favorite country songs. I tried to post the video but I couldn't figure out how. Watch it if you please.

It reminds me of the best summer I've ever had.
Years and miles pass, but the memory stays with me everyday.

Another long summers come and gone
I don't know why it always ends this way
The boardwalks quiet and the carnival rides
Are empty as my broken heart tonight.

But I close my eyes and one more time
We're spinnin' around and you're holdin' on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you promised you'd be back again
And so I wander 'round this town
'Til summer comes around.

I got a job working at the old park pier
And every summer now for five long years
I grease the gears, fix the lights, tighten bolts, and straighten the tracks
And I count the days 'til you just might come back

Then I close my eyes and one more time
We're spinnin' around and you're holdin' on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you swore that you'd be back again
And so I'm frozen in this town
'Til summer comes around.

Oh and I close my eyes and you and I
Are stuck on the ferris wheel rockin' with the motion
Hand in hand we cried and laughed
Knowing that love belonged to us girl,
If only for a moment
And "Baby I'll be back again"
You whispered in my ear
But now the winter wind is the only sound
And everything is closing down
'Til summer comes around.

Travelers

2010-05-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I was driving home when I passed by a friendly looking young boy. He was really skinny, and looked like he was walking with a limp almost. I turned around and asked him for a ride. Lately, I've been a little fearful to do this but this time I felt alright about it. I asked him if he wanted a ride, he said yes. I asked him where he was headed, he said to the Mcdonalds greyhound station. So he got in, he said he was starting to wonder if people were nice anymore. He said I'm Scott, and held out his hand. I introduced myself while grabbing his hand. I go on to ask him about himself. He told me he is from L.A. I asked him what he was doing here and he began to tell me the story of him and his band on tour. His band is called Halloween Swim Team. They were on tour, until he found himself spending the last 12 days in the Kanab jail, for getting caught with weed. So I laughed. He had just gotten a ride to the north end of town but the driver dropped him off a long time ago and he had been walking quite a ways. We got to the station and figured out how he would get his ticket, then I took him sight seeing around and he bought some food for his belly. I forgot to mention that this young looking boy, is 31. You would never believe it in your life. I didn't until I saw his passport. That unholy 1978. He was such a kind unique fellow. On the way around town I got to tell him a little bit about the temple, he was curious. He hung out for probably almost 2 hours. I gave him a parting gift... I had a cat tail sitting in my back seat (they are the most interesting little things). I asked him if he had ever squeezed one before and he said no. He was so entertained after he did it that he wanted to keep it and keep the rest of it in tact. I gave him my number in case he wasn't able to get the greyhound thing worked out. I also had a conversation with an Armanian guy that sat at the bus stop as well. What an interesting night. All in the same day that one guy helped me, I was able to help someone else. Like I said, love is meant to be spread around. I'm glad I had this experience.

The Circle of Life

2010-05-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is what Elton John meant.

Today I was in a little mom & pop mailing center, trying to send off some invitations as soon and as cheap as I possibly could. I was conversing with the cute little owner about my options when a tall, handsome, clean cut married man walked in. He carried such a sweet & friendly presence. He sat down on the shipping counter like he was a regular (come to find out he was), and waits for me and the lady to get done talking. The lady was ringing up some prices for me, and she mentions "Oops, I rang it up wrong. I'm not very smart today." I said, "I totally know how you feel"...but he says "That is not true." (Goodness! Why didn't I think of that?). How sweet is that reply...really though.
I told the lady as I was weighing out my options that she could help him first. As the man walks out he said "Does this young lady need stamps?" She replied, "She does." And as he exits the door he says "Put a book on my tab for her." Then he was gone. The lady said, "He wants blessings." I was stuck in the cutest moment. Like a movie. And if you don't know me, I kinda live in a movie/dream world and sometimes need to snap back to reality. Thank goodness this was reality. The lady told me he worked next door. I left and stepped a couple feet into his emergency vehicle repair business. I smiled and said "Thank you, your nice." He said "Your welcome, it's good to see you smiling." And then it was over.

So then later at work, one of my co-workers was running around (she had kind of a hectic day). I was telling my other co-worker the story of this kind man, and right as I got finished. The co-worker who had a hard day asked me "Do you have any stamps Kierstie?" Ha! Do I have any stamps? I'm not sure if I've ever been asked that question in my life. "Yes I have stamps." I said. I told her she doesn't have to pay me back like she insisted. The other co-worker and I were like, wait...did she just hear that story? She hadn't.
So with the four extra stamps I had left, I press two on the corners of her letters telling her, "This was a gift to me, I have to give them to you."

The great thing about service is that it was meant to be passed on, it was born to be passed on, that is it's nature. That guy created a spiral effect. That guy inspires people, I just know he does, he has that way about him. He is an encourager. Just as my book told me the other day. He adds to peoples hearts.

I still have yet to understand why a sticky, one inch piece of paper costs so much.

To add to the circle of life...

The birds are ready to nest. They are collecting. So we are throwing out dog hair on the grass for the birds at work. Oh so soft will their nests be! I watched the cute little birds hop around on the grass all day. They are so particular for their little babies. They won't just say "Oh hey, there's a big wad of shih tzu hair, lets take that home." They get a collection of hair and twigs together in their beaks, just a little bit at a time. They were so shy as well, every time they saw me look at them through the window they would fly away. Little birdy, if you only knew I put that hair out for YOU. OH and we also hung a bird feeder, I decorated it. The more I decorated it the cheesier it looked. Maybe birds like cheesy.
In fact, I saw a lot of birds today. The field down by my home is a little flooded right now. There were 3 or 4 different kind of birds swimming and playing in it. Birds are so breathtaking. I'm going to be like Ali from The Notebook right now and say; Do you think in another life I could have been a bird? Oh if only Noah would finish the scenario.

On a side note, I finished my finals today!! My piano final was a horrifying story. My English final was kind of a breeze. I got to write three essays, one of which I got to write about romantic love, and what it means to me. Hahaha that's not even an assignment, that's pure joy. I'm excited to finish my books now. I don't know how my grades turned out, but frankly I don't care. I'm focusing on paying off some things, buying my camera, and saving up for my travels.

<3 For now.

The heart of the 5th

2010-05-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today my physical strength is weak. Mental strength, a little dull. I'm way too used to this as a woman. Fortunately, I have the capacity to still dream today, it seems to be a constant talent of mine. Thanks to my still in tact heart. Although Cinco De Mayo is more of a U.S. celebration. I'm still going away to some foreign land today.

My mind races to a place it's never been. Somewhere deep in the heart of Spanish tradition. I already have it all picked out. We're at a cafe next to a beach; they have the tables out on the beach for the night. There are stained glass hangings. I imagine rose red, pure white, and striped colored remnants of sheer fabrics blowing in the calm breeze. The white remnants match the heaping clouds that are disappearing in the dusk. The colored remnants match the sprouting flowers. And the deep red matches the polish on my toes and the glasses of wine that hang around on old antique tables, that I won't be drinking.
Our attire is relaxed and romantic. His shirt is unbuttoned half way, and I'm wearing a loose fitting skirt with small simple top. My wavy hair smells like the beach.
I'm bare foot and so is my lover. We are rehearsed in our dance normally, but tonight we are just listening to the beat of each others hearts. Reading each others eyes. My hand on his neck, half way in his hair and our cheeks touching. Swaying and whispering sweet nothings in each others ears. He spins me, and then pulls me back in. I hear him breathe. He slowly dips me and plants a soft kiss my neck while he has the most manly grasp on my lower back.
There is foreign music playing, the singer has a scratchy sensual voice. I can only pick out a few of the lyrics, but he knows them all.
As the night draws near, the light of the moon reflects off of the stained glass hangings. We have never been closer. And of course, we eventually make our way down into the break of the waves. Our feet are cold but our hearts are too warm too care. And since I can't help but make romance playful, I splash him. We play. We are soaked, he picks me up and we kiss in ways we'll never forget.

Wake up Kierstie.
Happy Cinco De Mayo to you and I!

P.s. I told a man on the phone the other day that when he brought his dog in today that he had to wear a sombrero. Don't worry. He did. At least I think it was him. Hahaha all I know is there was a sombrero.

Love

2010-05-04T20:59:00.001-07:00

A lot of people have been telling me they love me lately. Most times in unexpected, playful, but genuinely said manners. Which is my favorite kind of endearment. It's making my heart swell. Thank you to those who have. & Thank you Heavenly Father, for there are so many beautiful people in this world. Everyone is so special. Love is the most amazing feeling that is and will ever be. It's an unmatched emotion, verb, and feeling. It's everything.

Romantically something

2010-05-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

It must be the romantic way it's sung but....

"Hike up your skirt a little more,
and show your world to me"

Is one of my favorite lyrical derogatory statements.

Although I don't listen to them nor like them (with the exception of this song), Dave Matthews Band hit sensual and romantic well in Crash Into Me, just saying.

Haha I don't know, maybe I'm just a pervert.

For now <3

Inspire or Expire

2010-05-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

I am reading two books right now. I was desperately engulfed in the one, but sadly, the day came when I had to return it to my "unique" ex-boyfriend. I knew I wanted to read the other after the one was gone, but my mom couldn't find her copy. (Is it getting on your nerves that I refer to them as the one and the other yet?) In the meanwhile, I ordered both of them for myself on alibris.com. Its a great sight. I got the other for like 2 dollars - good condition. Back to the point, (Alibris, you can pay me later for advertisements since I clearly have many faithful followers)

[crickets creak]

So in the mail they ventured...the other got here first... and I jumped in - I am in love. The one got here yesterday, which I was already halfway finished with before, so I feel like I owe it to the little blue bounded book to get him finished. The point of this blog is, I learned something very valuable today in one of the one's chapters.

The word inspire comes from the Latin word inspirare. Spirare means to breathe, and in implies into. To inspire means to breathe into. When we breathe life into another, we inspire their hopes, goals, and dreams. We can breathe life in or suck life out of others - inspire or expire.
He then goes on to say that encourage means to add to someones heart, discourage - take away.

Choose to heal or choose to wound
Choose to affirm or choose to reject
Choose to inspire or choose to expire
Choose to praise or choose to critcize
Choose to appreciate or choose to depreciate
Choose to encourage or choose to discourage
Choose to focus on strengths or choose to focus on weaknesses

These are just little excerpts from the one book.

I loved what he taught about inspire. When we feel inspired doesn't it feel like life is being breathed into us? That's the only way I can describe being inspired. I also love how he uses the word expire as an opposite to inspire, because inspiration gives me life, makes me feel alive. If inspiration didn't exist, I think I would die. In other words, expire.

What else did I learn today?
I learned that missing someone can be one of the most endearing, sweetly nostalgic, and soul reflecting emotions. But it can also be one of the most emotionally taxing feelings that there is. Oh but he's such a beautiful thought. Like a dream.

Okay, now back to piano. Can I just hide inside the piano for my final tomorrow?

p.s. The one is Aspire by Kevin Hall
p.p.s. The other is Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

By the way, I am aware that I talk too much, but isn't that the point here?

For now <3

Dreamy

2010-04-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today's to do's: dream.

Today was busy, random, but amazing. Everything about today corresponded with my dreams. At times my dreams feel like they live in the clouds, peaking out when the clouds give way to the sun, but then shrivel back. Today there was no shrivel. They don't feel so distant anymore. I've been realizing who inspires me in my current friendships..but I've also been meeting so many new people who inspire me. Yes highly educated musicians, artists, etc. But even the little children riding in the grocery shopping cart, being pushed by their mother, as they leave Costco. I was waiting out front. The little boy, with the sweet and wonderous world twirling in his eyes. He probably says hi to everyone. But today it was me. So genuine, he does it twice. Once as he sees me, and another as the distance between us grows greater. Oh and the little boys hanging out with The Dixie Red Cliffs Band and I tonight. When no one is around they try to beat box and hum together. They are so interested in music already, I could see their imaginations so clear. And although the beat box might have resembled Snoop Dog's- drop it like its hot, a little too much...it was still adorable.

How was today so dreamy?

I played a Steinway & Sons grand piano in the college concert hall today, lovely. Lots of feet of goodness. Pressing those luscious weighted keys was like sinking your teeth into your lovers neck. Ode to Divorce, Almost Lover, and 9 Crimes never sounded better. Then I was glued to my keyboard for a good part of the day.

Got my passport pictures taken. My face looks gordo (trying to practice my Spanish). Can't wait till I am 8000 miles away with it- the passport, that is. not my fat face.

Talked to a photographer and many others about what camera I should buy, and I'll probably have it within the next couple months.

Mother bought me strings for the guitar I want to pick up again.

I know some people that might help me learn to actually play my bongo drums after all these years of them sitting saying "hey kierstie, pat me please!"

But the best part...
The Pod. The Pod is an art gallery, free for art of all kinds. A playground for the creative. One of the best things that has happened to St. George. Main Street is filling up with all kinds of fun things. I'm going to put one of my pieces in The Pod tomorrow morning. They are holding a concert there tomorrow night, and it will be fun to display my art there. I never really thought of displaying my art, I guess I just always thought of it as a personal pleasure, but I think sharing it will motivate me to do it more. I hope that I can inspire others in some way, whether it is through my art or my smile. I love to inspire and be inspired.

Then I got sister pep talk. What would I do without her? We've grown so much closer now that she's away. Never thought I'd love such a bi.

Did some finishing touches on my picture for tomorrow, as my beautiful cat lays on the chair next to me. She is such a joy. How can I love her so much, when she is so fair weathered? Oh wait, that's probably why I do.

Eating frozen grapes come into play somewhere in there.
They must be mentioned...for they are amazing.

Oh.....and did I mention I'm going to start blogging?
For now, <3

Mr. Oneal

2010-04-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

I blankly stare out the window, there's a little reservoir in my eye. Liquid swelling slowly like my saliva does when I think of Shockers (one of my favorite candies). The costumers waiting in their car outside must have thought I was nuts or on my period. Which neither were far from the truth. Why weren't they leaving? I think it might have been one of those moments where your motor skills shut off and you almost start drooling. They must have been wondering "Who is this dark haired, animal lovin' heart throb?" Is she in love with this man? They picked up Ting, their ex-show schnauzer who had just been groomed. I thought, your journey here is done...so stop trying to convince me that the man was publicly urinating and go home. Because I DOUBT he was urinating in his jeans, just letting it all loose. People like to make up cool stories like that.
Mr. Oneal they called him. I didn't know his name until a couple hours after the fact. "Poor man," my heart screamed. Akin to the matted animals that frequent my work daily, Mr. O'Neal was matted too. I would like to call them dreadlocks, but it was far from Jamacian esque. It was bum esque. Those wirey gray hairs were a chimps favorite picking time pleasure. There was three of them-matts that is. Big, long, flat, things. He was handcuffed at this point. I wanted to march up to the policemen, hoping to morf into a superhero in slow motion as I did so, and smite them with my eye powers. Then I'd say Mr. Oneal, get yourself out of here. Get a bath, some food, and some serenity. I was upset by the fact that they were poking, prodding, and searching this vagabond. I wasn't close enough to hear voice or see detail, but I saw some laughing, some 'step back' nonsense, and they were throwing away little pieces of paper in his pockets. All I could imagine was the most incredible desperate poetry that defined his life was written on the scraps and they were being tossed as if they meant nothing. That is all he has, he carrys his belongings with him. And Mr. Officer is deciding what matters and what doesn't? Not only that, but they were wearing blue latex gloves, those blasted things. Regardless of the white powdery film that they leave with you, it broke my heart to think of why they had to use that to touch him. Sure he is dirty. But buck up, kindergarten cop (I just realized that that movie hasn't contributed to my life in any way, until this moment). I'm sure if I were the one you were searching you wouldn't have had gloves on. I thought about all this man is, and how little he might think of himself, and how much littler he was now beginning to think of himself.
I saw him the day before. He was in front of a thrift store that I was going to check out. I was looking for the most beautiful vintage dress of my life, but they closed early (okay tangent). I was waiting for him to ask me for money, but he never did. I was tempted to just hand him some anyway, but I wanted to treat him like I would a "normal" person. I wouldn't just walk up to an overweight woman and be like "hey, heres a gym membership." I didn't want him to know that I knew he was a homeless man.
He waved to me as I drove off, I left feeling as though I should have imparted my substance. I have been reading scriptures here and there lately about that exact subject, and I wanted to practice it. I realize being caught between saving money and imparting your substance is a difficult task. I should have more faith in the infinite power of helping others.
Hours before Oneal was arrested, I went into the nearby check store, where they were having an open house with free pizza and drawings. I went to go get lunch for me and Renee at work. Oneal was sitting in there, writing something on paper. I did my thing and left. He hung around outside all day after that, until he was disturbed by the police. We watched him all day at work, maybe not exchanging the most nice conversations concerning him. But I grew to love and wonder for him.
At the end of my work day I was so enraged from what I had been gazing at all day. Once Oneal, his metal wrists, and the policemen were in the car headed off, I went to speak to some other police. With tears in my eyes, I said, "Can you tell me what happened here?" Our conversation was fairly respectful, and went well for a sensitive young woman and mountain bike patrol officer, having a talk about treating others kindly. He proceeded to tell me why he had been arrested, and it seemed to be fairly good reasons. However, I still can't help but feel like, "Who cares! Let bums do what they want!" The young policemen knew the old man, and had encounters often with him. He claims he has 2000 dollars in the bank, and a hotel room down the boulevard. He said they try to get him to go get mental help but he won't. I don't know whats true. All I know is that maybe he wouldn't have been arrested and violated today if I had given him something yesterday. What if I could have changed that moment? I just hope Mr. Oneal is resting well in jail tonight. I hope he wakes up in the morning refreshed and can somehow transcend the life he has made for himself. And I hope you know that I'm sorry, Gary.
Oh thats his real name, Gary Ron Oneal. With the help of online jail bookings, I found out my little friends name. Dang Gary, lookin good in your pic. I like the mattless look.