although i find myself in a frequent cloud of heartbreak over the loss of you. i also find myself in the most magical moments of genuine love, smile, and laughter...also caused by you. thank you for both.
i love you, but i'm learning that love isn't wanting.
i'm also learning that our love might be more pure than i ever thought it was.
beneath the thing that sustains me
stuck here while time keeps changing
behind your ear that used to listen
are two freckles born together
but just a bit apart
we embrace those shapes
inevitably hidden within each others bodies
my walls i gave up
and i want to climb yours
i don't expect so much
just for you to lift me
where you know i belong
but i keep falling beneath the thing
that sustains me
your love
I looooove this song! It's quite brilliant.
This is one of the most amazing songs to me. Not only that, the video has kind of a Christmas feel so posting it seemed necessary. I haven't been extremely touched by a song in a while, and I enjoy the occurrence. I think it's one of the most incredible pieces. Stacy's vocals are so amazing. Eisley will always be a great band to me, they developed such raw talent at a young age. For me, this is a song that must be played multiple times to grasp it's fullness.
You will never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you. You could be my silverspring, blue green colors flashing.
Back in St. George is me. I weighed a lot of things out (being home for Christmas, starting school, job searching, etc.) and decided that coming home a tad bit early from my travels might be a smart idea. So...a bit over two weeks earlier than planned, I am back at home. It's quite an odd feeling. A bit depressing, to be honest. I feel like I don't fit now, even though I did miss home a bit. I was warned about traveler blues. People with the blues return home and have a feeling like 'Where is my home?' Now, my case of traveler blues has multiple aspects involved. Too many. & I am too tired to mention them. I think if I stop talking about it so much, the more likely it will go away and I'll feel more normal again. I'm just trying to cope. It's not going the smoothest though. The only real whole meal I've eaten today is breakfast, and it's already time for bed. How did I manage to not insanely crave or think much about food the whole day? That's not like me.
One wonderful thing has happened since I left though. I realized I really loved Buenos Aires more than I thought I did. I'm excited to return one day when I actually know Spanish. My trip would have been 5x more wonderful if I would have had that. As far as the countryside goes, I've never questioned my love for it. It's breathtaking. I've seen sights that energized my soul. Argentina is a wonderful country.
The moral of the story is, I cannot believe I got the most amazing opportunity to travel for two months in Argentina! I am delighted about my experience and miss it dearly. I had the most lovely time! All I can do is thank God for helping me make it happen, and everyone who helped me while I was there. I've learned that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. Traveling (more than just vacationing) does something to you. It inevitably opens your mind and forces you to learn. I definitely have more recollection ahead of me, I know I'll think about this experience years to come. I'm blessed.
I need to always remember that I'm blessed, even in hard times like these. It's hard to not get caught up in your emotions sometimes and just find the big picture. Growing up is hard. Growing up requires a lot of decision making. Growing up requires a lot of fun having and tear shedding. I've done so much growing in the last year, it feels amazing. But I think there are certain times where we break, and feel like...'God, could you please make this decision for me instead?'
Whoa...what a life we've been given!
I hope to always make the best of it. I hope to stop judging myself and others when it comes to life. We're all friggin' trying, ya know!?!
You want to know what else is trying? The rain. The rain is trying to drown us all. St. George is having another flood year. It's been raining constantly over the past four days. A very persistent and mild sprinkling has turned into a whole lot of water. It sucks in some ways, and my heart goes out to those people and homes that might be suffering because of it. But it's also cool in a way...to see the power of God and His creations kind of take over your city for a while. These are the times you kind of realize how small you are, and that the Earth could swallow you whole if it really wanted to:)
Big sighhhhhs.
With much love and hope.
Little things that have touched my heart in Buenos Aires:
God and Jesus Christ for being with me no matter where I go.
The blind woman singing and playing guitar on the train for change.
The random fireworks that go off outside of my bedroom window lately. Marcus said the guy down the street owns a major firework company and does shows around this time of year.
How everyone collaborated in helping each other jump out of the train when it took an unexpected stop during it´s course. There was an accident...and a lady was ran over on the train tracks. It was truly sad to be on that train.
That my boyfriends futbol team, Independiente, won the championship while I was here. I guess it hasn´t happened in years. I felt like good luck.
The first time I went to church here. It was the kids primary program and them singing in Spanish was irresistable.
Veronica and her sweet and spiritual nature.
Marilyn for caring for me and letting me live in her home.
The dad teaching his tiny boy how to play futbol at such a young age...and the boys little kicks! I´ve seen Dad's playing with their children in the park here A LOT. It's quite precious.
All the sad circumstances I see families making here just to make ends meet.
Soleil, the dog we´ve been sitting. She´s just a bundle of love and joy, really.
And Marcus, my beautiful boy. I wouldn't have survived without him. He put up with a lot from his baby girl. His kisses are healing, his understanding, and his willingness to make me happy. We are able to admit our wrongs with each other. Something about his love, helps me slowly put down my walls. There is a soft part of him that I don't have to dig too hard to find. Although I have loved him imperfectly, I dream that one day I can manifest this perfect love I have for him inside of me. He has made this last year so joyful for me. He's stayed in my heart for 5 years and will probably always be there somewhere. I love you Marki.
I´ve had a very interesting three days. They have been a little rough in some ways but mostly interesting, hilarious, relaxing, and beautiful. It all started Monday morning at about 5:15. Sophie, Marcus´s sister, was screaming. Although I didn´t hear the screams, she told me she was as we recollect the story now. She was astounded that I didn´t wake up from her screams. Anyway, I eventually did wake up from the ruckus and what I found I just wasn´t mature enough for. Lennon, Sophies cat, had caught a pigeon during the night and brought it into the house. This pigeon wasn´t too large, it was almost like a Japanese dove. Lennon had played with the little guy through the hours I suppose and had injured the bird. When I woke up we had him shut away in the bathroom and he was resting on top of the bathroom light. Sophie was in complete distress not knowing what to do because it was injured and suffering. It was functioning. But not flying functioning. I didn´t see it but apparently the leg/side/wing was bitten into. It was a hard moment. We didn´t know what to do. Marcus knew the smartest solution but I tried to talk him out of it for a minute, because like I said, not mature enough for this. Well the end is tragic. Marcus had to get a baseball bat and bag to finish this birds death. I can´t believe how bad it sounds typing that. But we really couldn´t think of any other way. Anyway, I feel for Marcus having to do that. I sure couldn´t wake up, kill a bird, and go back to bed. Phhhheww, sorry for the bad news. Looking back it was kind of a hilarious situation, minus the death. Hours later Marcus and I headed to General Rodriguez to a little getaway called Eco Yoga Park. It´s a little natural retreat place owned and operated by a bunch of Yogis. It was very interesting to see their way of life and it was very beautiful there! They serve you three meals a day, plus a snack. It is all organic vegetarian food from the garden on site. They also served delicious tea and apple juice, which they make. There is a schedule there that you can follow strictly if you´d like, if not, that´s fine too. It´s something like this: 5:00 am meditation/mantras, 8:30 am breakfast, 1:30 pm lunch, 4:00 pm music therapy/mantras, 4:30 yoga, 6:00 snack, 8:30 dinner. It between those things you can take walks, read, whatever. Marcus and I watched a movie after dinner in the little cinema they have. We watched Earth the first night and Oceans the second, it was cute. Most people there are volunteers that are traveling, they pay less to stay there but they work in the garden during the day. But we went as guests instead. It was interesting to participate in the Yogi stuff. It was a little uncomfortable at times, just because it was new to me. But I was trying to be open to the things they were doing, because I know I can learn from many people in life. They really have a high sense of spirituality. Most of the people there have lived there for years, and they are young people! Just living a quiet life. It was a very small, quaint, and natural place, but it was nice. I personally wouldn´t be able to handle the horrible showers, not being able to flush your tiolet paper down the tiolet, not having filtered water, somewhat uncleanliness, etc...but they are such strong people to devote their lives with such discipline. I wonder if they get lonely though, like...want a boyfriend/girlfriend. Who knows, maybe they have one close in town that they sneak off with. They aren´t the only people who does all this, well maybe the yogi stuff. But it is a town full of farmers/gardeners. It´s incredible.
Marcus made the trip great. He pulled some of the funniest things out of his mouth. I can´t wait to share some of the things that have happened with my mom, she will laugh. She loves uncomfortable, awkward, or high anxiety situations.
I love my family. I love God. I love Earth.
For now... Chau!
Well, this is my opinion of Argentina so far.
Excuse me for comparing it to the U.S., I just can´t help it.
Argentina is very different from home. We all know that the United States is a very blessed country but I don´t think you can really believe it until you leave the country. The U.S. is more organized and we are much more protected by the government. As much as we hate the law sometimes, it really does keep things in line. The little things really do make big difference when trying to control a country I guess. Buenos Aires is a huge huge huge city. I am always turned around here, but then again, I´m turned around in Salt Lake. Anyway! The city never ends. It never really stops either, unless a huge futbol match on is television (or so I hear). There are so many people and it is pretty dirty. I can handle the trash alright but I don´like dog poop that isnt taken care of. The food is very good but there is less variety, mostly in super markets. It only makes sense for the country to keep around the types of foods that are apart of the culture and that obviously people like! So that´s probably a silly thing for me to say. The candy and junk food kind of sucks, I´ll be honest. Ice cream is great though, OH and the bread. The culture here is alive! I´ve been to some great art museums and photography exhibitions. I finally feel like I truly participated in a real art experience. There are very beautiful and old buildings here as well. But Buenos Aires is kind of a free for all. People take as much as they can get. People do a lot for money here because a lot of people are struggling. There are some sweet perks about life here though, just kind of the little things like.... People don´t expect much tips here. The gas station man ALWAYS pumps your car for you, you don´t really have a choice, it´s their job (you might through him a tiny tip though). While parking on the street, men will clean up your car on the outside a bit, just for a little tip. You can j walk, if you really want to, but I don´t recommend it. Speed limits aren´t largley enforced here and neither are a lot of traffic laws. So driving is kind of like a Mario Kart, FUN! They deliver everything here...even like...movies and ice cream! No delivery charges either! I´m sure there is more. Anyway, I´ve seen some very sad sights but I´ve also seen some sweet ones. Driving through the open country was so incredible. I felt the raw passion of Argentine cowboys (gaucho´s they call them) at sunset, riding through the open fields like time doesn´t exist, with smiles on their faces and friendly waves. Life felt so delicate then. It felt like time was slowed for just that second. A man, his horse, and the sweet Argentine air. It was truly magnificent. Driving through the country really made me catch my breath. And obviously, Iguazu topped off the magnificance.
I´m trying to learn to love the good and the bad just the same, so I don´t live in a judgemental state. I think I´m getting better at it. I went to a nice dance class yesterday called 5 rythmns, it was super hippie. I also met a sweet girl named Veronica who IS a super hippie the night before. She is Marcus´s mom´s boyfriend´s daughter, (wow that is ridiculous when you type it), and I think we are going to go visit her soon. She will help me learn to meditate. She has spent time in a Buddhist monistary and done a lot of soul searching, wild dolphin swimming, traveling, etc. She´s very spiritual, it´s totally her life. I guess I´ve been judgemental of Argentina because of how much I realize I love home now. St. George is so easy...in every way.
But my mind is opening to the universe......NOW!
Love to my missed ones...
